Neither of the two girls manning the childcare at the gym took any notice as I sought their attention with Julian in my arms. I proceeded to lift out a baby walker and put him in it. I left him with a smile, busy exploring all the toys in front of him. I hurried to the elliptical machine and did a couple of minutes of high intensity workout as I feared I wouldn’t have much time.
After five minutes, I ran over to the window of the childcare room to check on Julian and he seemed ok. He was alone but still entertained. I ran back and worked up a sweat, another two minutes of burning calories and rebuilding my muscles that have been stagnant for so long. The whole time I kept thinking about Julian and feeling guilty that he may be sad once he realizes I’m not there. The last couple of times, I had only been gone about ten minutes until I hear the intercom: “Can Julian’s mom please come to the childcare!”
Sure enough, I peek through the window again and one of the childcare attendants was actually sitting next to him, stroking his head. I hand gestured a thumbs up and down, inquiring how he was doing as I couldn’t see his face. She gestures back a hand shaking up and down. I grab my phone and run inside, picking him up immediately upon entering. He holds on tight, stops crying and I wipe his tears away.
Not doing this again! Nope. I’m cancelling the childcare service and just sticking to doing the classes where I can bring him along, for now. Who am I to cause him distress and leave him in the hands of random people, many of whom could care less? Some actually do show affection towards him and do their utmost to care for him yet safe attachment is difficult to attain as time there is limited, staff changes, etc. To others, it is just a job. And that just isn’t good enough.
Being a single mama, these are challenges that I will face continuously. There’s simply no co-parent to watch him while I go take a class, go for a run or get a good workout in at the gym. In time, extended family could watch him every once in a while but that would of course not be a habit to count on. So, I reassess the situation.
Getting in shape is important to me. We are all content in different shapes, some plus size, some buff, some skinny, etc. We certainly do not all hold to the same standard. Our preconditions and genetics vary. There’s complexity in our views on body image, body composition and health. There are extremes in all directions. All of that doesn’t matter. What matters is how we feel about ourselves.
My current state of floppiness and extra layer of fat bothers me to no end. The tummy that still slightly hangs over my C-section scar (which, I hear, is common) terrifies me. When I ran on the treadmill the other day, it freaked me out how out of shape I was; worse than I have ever been. It all gives me determination.
I’m not one of those mamas who’s content to stay in my current state of physique simply because it’s beautiful that I housed my little love in there. Nor am I one of those mamas who’s preparing for a marathon and in a facebook accountability group to get ripped.
I just want to have a healthy fitness level and BMI, and I want to firm up. I’m not happy with the way I feel and I’m set on doing something about it. I’m already working on it but it’s been slow because…. well, life. And because I find it difficult to set apart the time to workout at home.
While I most enjoy going to classes at the gym, that will probably not be a possibility for a while yet. I don’t do well with at home workouts. I just lose my focus and it’s harder to structure. For me. The ideal situation currently would be an at-home personal trainer, or one where I could bring Julian along. But, that’s a dream scenario that simply isn’t an option, money wise.
So, going forward, I will simply have to push myself harder to stick to the at-home routines that I do from time to time but more importantly, those 10,000+ steps a day are crucial. Now that the sun is out and temperature pleasant, going for walks is now an option I look forward to. This mama is on a power walking mission!
I’m going to invest in one of those activity trackers and am looking for a better stroller that can take forest terrain. For a single mama on a budget, what recommendations do you have on good quality activity trackers?